he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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