I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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