cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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