I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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