So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
