i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
