Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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