dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
