Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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