I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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