some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize