____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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