DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize