I just saw a hot homeless man
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
