I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
