he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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