When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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