Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
