Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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