I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Randomize
