The maid of honor just puked.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
