Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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