do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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