Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
