my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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