gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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