so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
