I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
