So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
