I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
