i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
