New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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