make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize