i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
