If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
