How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
