Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
