No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
