how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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