12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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