it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
third nipple confirmed
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
