allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
