oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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