I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
