i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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