I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
