So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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