Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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