She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
