he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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