I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
