Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
