I've blown a few things in my day
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
