Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
